Feeling Numb

linkin park numb

At times, numb is all that I feel when I get put under too much pressure or get caught in the undertow of emotional distress. Over the last 4 years, I have been able to identify when I am feeling numb in my life of recovery and make changes accordingly.  I have a bipolar disorder along with an addiction disorder and lately, I have been having frequent cycles of mania and depression.   In my bipolar, I tend to have more rapid cycles in my bipolar then cycles which last for months in each phase.  My mania and depressive phases usually last for 2 – 3 weeks at a time.  At times they will last longer, but this is the main flow of how my bipolar is effecting my life.  My family members, mainly my wife and mother, have been able to identify and strongly pinpoint how my mood changes based on my actions, including the things I say.  It has become more clear to me about my ‘mode of operation’, especially when being told by others of the things I am doing and saying that are causing a negative change in my actions / attitude.  

Feelings and emotions of being numb, when I have a skewed perception of how others are treating me at work and at home, lead me to withdrawal from certain, ordinary situations.  This feeling of being numb has also effected the way I have dealt with and currently deal with the passing of my brother-in-law last March and changes at work.  For instance, as my 6 year old son continues to have issues in understanding the passing of Matt, my brother-in-law, and comprehending things such as that his mommy and I are going to be okay while he goes to school, this continues to make me evaluate how I am dealing with that loss as well.  

At times, I find myself basing my happiness on how others treat me and the mood they are in.  This has been an unhealthy stance that I have identified myself getting into and is leading to a negative effect in my actions.  As this ebbs-and-flows, I have noticed myself having a significant case of the “screw-it” approach lately by withdrawing. not based on myself, but based on others and how I think others are treating me.  I know this is an unhealthy psychological / mental approach and is something I need to change immediately.  

Through out my life, and especially the last 4 years of my recovery, I have become a more confident individual that continues to travel on a journey leading to a successful life / recovery.  After a recent evaluation of myself, I have identified that I have been caught up in everyone else’s actions and not my own. It’s time to take a stand and make a change in having a stronger personal characteristic of confidence and not letting others dictate how I feel and the actions I take.  As I’ve successfully done it in the past, I can change my personal thoughts and actions based on what I am doing in life and adjust accordingly.  As I am a father of 4, a husband, son, brother, teacher, friend and coach, I also need to evaluate how my thoughts and actions are effecting others.  I need to take into account of how my actions are effecting others in my life and I must take that into consideration when I am determining how to improve my personal well-being.  On the flip-side, It is important that I not let it travel the other way and change my actions based solely on the actions of others.

Today, I am going to focus on addressing my approach / perception in handling my actions and thoughts based on what I want to achieve.  I am going to get rid of the feeling of being numb at times and strive on what life hands over to me.  During this work week, when I am asked or told to do something I may not necessarily want to do, I am going to grab it by the horns and make it count by being an active part and not sitting on the ‘sidelines’.  Life is about the perception of yourself, your self-worth and being confident in who you are.

Lets All Make Today Count!

“Numb” – Linkin Park

LYRICS:

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.

[Chorus:]
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.

[Chorus:]
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

[Chorus:]
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there.
(I’m tired of being what you want me to be)
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there.
(I’m tired of being what you want me to be)

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